Tuesday, November 28, 2017

No asana for that

Dear future hubster,
there is only so much of yoga practice that I can efficiently incorporate in my morning routine. Some dresses remain to be zipped up by a third party.
You, that is.

Thursday, November 23, 2017


Dear future hubster,
Since this is my first Thanksgiving, and it happens to fall within the 16 days of orange, it's only fitting to list what I'm thankful for.
First, for this Thanksgiving. Not because I'm crazy about the turkey (I actually find them scary), but because it means a whole lot of other things. Chances I've been given, lucky coincidences, financial, moral, hands-on support I received. Questions that haven't been asked, freakouts that have been listened to. Persistent "how you doing" messages that I didn't even answer because I've been looking for my head.
But on a larger scale, I'm thankful for so much more. Especially for the things I know not everybody can experience.
I've been allowed to make my choices. Make no mistake, dear future hubster, I've been given doubting looks, I've been told flat out that I'm making the wrong choice, that it's a bad idea, that I ain't gonna make it, that it's a career suicide, that I should be having children already, that I shouldn't be trying to prove myself that hard. Like I haven't been doubting myself enough already. But at the end of the day, nobody stopped me from doing what I chose, and learn the hard way.
I've been allowed to study! Some was a lucky result of an old-fashioned education system, some was made possible by someone who thought ahead and worked hard for future generations of their family, some I paid for myself. I've been told that a girl should always behave, and have neat handwriting, I've been told in PE class that I'm putting on weight, I've been told in public that bleach blond is a hair colour for hookers. I've been told that smart girls should go to law school or study economics, and that journalism is a joke. But then again, nobody stopped me from learning what I wanted to (and some additional, seemingly useless, and very painful, subjects).
I've been allowed to travel! Backpacking, hiking, road trips, solo drives, mountains, beaches. Slept in tents and shelters, dorm rooms, tiny hotels and large apartments. Shared rooms and sometimes beds with male friends as much as I did with boyfriends. Actually, probably more. Some found it intriguing that a girl would do that, others probably thought I'm compensating for not being married yet. Many thought that I don't ever work, because all I do is travel. Many thought a girl shouldn't be driving across Europe all by herself. 
I've been living abroad. That, dear future hubster, is a hard one. It's an amazing one too. My mother got asked once if she lets me - she didn't understand the question. Still, I've been told and told off, asked not to go, called crazy (that's a compliment in my books), accused of running away, of compensating for not having children, of not being responsible. Often, I have been told that it's easy for me. And of course that a girl shouldn't go to those places, and a girl my age shouldn't live with students. Or other people's husbands. I keep doing all of those anyway.
I've been allowed to work. I've had the luck to work for institutions where I do in fact get paid as much as a man does, doing the same job. Whether it's taken me the same amount of effort or time to get there, is harder to measure. Whether I get the same amount of credit for the same work, whether I'm given the same responsibilities, harder still. And if you ask me, dear future hubster, if I ever play up the girl card, I have to admit that I do. I'm thankful for the realisation that I do, and I'm thankful that it's a bad habit, not a requirement. Am I intimidated by competent, strong women? I am. Prejudices I want to fight tend to stir inner conflicts too. Am I inspired by competent, strong people? Hell yeah. And I'm trying to be one.
Why am I telling you this, dear future hubster? Because I am thankful, but not dumb. I know I've been privileged, sometimes lucky, and I know I've worked hard. But I also know that no matter how hard one works, if not given the same chances. So somewhere deep there is anger and guilt, for all the things I have but other women don't.
So I'm waiting for a Thanksgiving, when my above monologue triggers no more than a bored "Well duh. So does everybody else". 
Until then, I wear my orange hair in protest.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Knowing me, knowing you

Dear future hubster, 
the most difficult thing in being my other half will be giving me advice. 
I am not saying it is going to be impossible, but try not to give too many. 
I am not saying you won't have any to give, but pick only the best ones you have.  
I am not saying I will desperately be in need of advice, but your opinions will matter of course. 
But let me give you this piece of advice: wait for me to ask you instead.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Let me love you when your heart is tired

Dear future hubster,
the saying goes: we hurt the ones we love the most. But could it be possible that we also love the ones who are hurt the most?
I know I feel an overwhelming wave of powerful emotions when I see someone I love in pain. My heart is heavy because theirs is broken, and all the love I have for them wants to break out and wrap them up to soothe them, to walk with them until they find some ease. 
Does that mean I love them more when times are hard? Probably not. But it certainly reveals how important it is for me to see them safe and happy, and how helpless it feels when they are not, and it's not in my power to take the pain away. 
Best I can do is love them more, just a little. 

Thursday, November 9, 2017

S az évek szálltak, mint a percek

Arien vendégbejegyzése:

7 éves vagyok
Másodikos. Kapok egy levelet az osztálytársamtól, Zsoltitól, amiben azt állítja, hogy szeret.
Aláírásként és bizonyítékként egy véres ujjlenyomat van a levél végén.
Ez lenne a szerelem?

12 éves vagyok
Osztályfőnöki órán a családról beszélgetünk. Kiszámolom, hogy az anyukám 24 éves volt amikor én születtem.
Ezek szerint 24 évesen én is biztosan anya leszek már, gondolom.

14 éves vagyok
Járni kezdek egy fiúval, de miután teljesen váratlanul beledugja a nyelvét a számba, gyorsan szakítok vele.

18 éves vagyok
És 2 éve reménytelenül szerelmes vagyok egy fiúba, aki az utcánkban lakik, és egy közös ismerősünk azt állítja, hogy tetszem neki. A szia-szián kívül semmi sem történik, de én nyakig merülök a szerelem érzésébe és kitartóan várok, abban jó vagyok.

19 éves vagyok
Első viszonzott szerelem az életemben, sokáig meg vagyok győződve róla, hogy hozzá fogok menni feleségül. Végül 2 év után elválnak útjaink, amikor szakítunk én még szerelmes vagyok, 1 hétig folyamatosan sírok és 3 hónapig össze-vissza menstruálok.

24 éves vagyok
Nem vagyok anya

33 éves vagyok
Keresgélések, találkozások, összenézések, próbálkozások. Azt hittem hogy, azt hitted hogy.
De mégis, de mégsem.

38 éves vagyok
Merre jársz? 
Siess kérlek, kihűl a vacsora.


Sunday, November 5, 2017

The civilized ones, that is

Dear future hubster,
when we meet and decide that we are in this together, please know that I don't want you to retire from any of your friendships. I will love you for who you are, and that includes the friend you are to others. Why would I suddenly want you to be a different, or less of a friend?
This applies to your female friends as well. Even to your exes. When you choose our team, I want you to choose it because it's something you don't have, and want to have. Not to replace something that you have but think could do better, or something you lost but would like to have back.
Whatever I am to you should not change whatever you are to everybody else. If it does, then I'm afraid you have unsettled bills that you first need to take care of.